My parents’ generation may have been on to something when they railed against gambling. If only George Santos had listened

If only George Santos and Bill Simmons had my parents, they wouldn’t be facing down a hailstorm of condemnation for circumventing the basic rules and regulations of dubious “prediction markets” and online gambling. Kalshi just banned the former congressman George Santos from its service and he was forced to pay back his winnings after he was accused of the dumb person’s version of insider trading. He bet on himself to not attend the State of the Union address, then conveniently didn’t go. For his trouble, he won (and will be forced to relinquish) more than $17,000; he’ll also have to pay more than $80,000 in total fines from Kalshi and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission.

Bill Simmons, the sports commentator, podcast host, and founder of The Ringer, had a different story.

The FBI has charged Daejon Love after he allegedly pretended to be a 49ers receiver. Although football isn’t as glamorous as it looks, it easy to see the attraction

Is romance dead? Yeah, probably. There have never been more options for finding a mate – dating apps, Instagram DM slides, hanging out next to a gas station at 2am – but it’s also never been harder. Meeting someone who is compatible, stable, and even remotely attractive is akin to putting a square peg in a round hole. Blindfolded. From a mile away. Underwater. So, I can’t blame anyone for falling for an elaborate hoax like the one allegedly perpetrated by Daejon Love.

Love is now infamous around the world for allegedly posing as an NFL player in order to scam more than 20 women out of $1.3m. Now that Love and his alleged accomplice, Taylor Jamie Chen, have been charged by federal authorities, prosecutors are claiming they are a flight risk. They certainly seem like they have the money to flee the country. According to court documents, Love managed to fabricate an entire online persona as a San Francisco 49ers player – posting photos and videos in Niners gear, posing with expensive cars, and even performing football drills (badly) to bolster the alleged grift. Love allegedly used AI to trick search engine results to add credibility to his claims on football success with the 49ers. There’s even a video of Love running wide receiver routes on the beach. In a helmet. Do real NFL players carry their helmets in the car, just in case? You never know when you may risk a concussion while laying in the sand.

The move sends the right signal. While we’re at it, can we ban using ringtones and scooting on the sidewalk?

Imagine driving in Italy, with its narrow, cobblestone streets and scooter enthusiasts. I find it hard enough to drive in Los Angeles, a city designed specifically with the automobile in mind. I’d probably squash a pedestrian or two trying to navigate Italian roads.

The modern world is just too hectic for the ancient streets of Europe, so Italy is considering doing the only sensible thing it can: outlawing texting in crosswalks. The Italian government’s updated draft of its highway code proposes fines of €75 or more for anyone caught sending a DM, updating their LinkedIn, finishing Wordle on the fifth guess, or anything else phone-related that might make them miss an oncoming metal projectile. I’m sure most people will risk the slap on the wrist to get that message off, but it at least sends a signal to the Italian people that paying attention to traffic is actually kind of important.

Dave Schilling is a Los Angeles-based writer and humorist

Capitalism and the climate crisis are conspiring to destroy the concept of seasons. I’ll take solace in my pumpkin spice

Happy spooky season, everyone! Get those jack-o’-lanterns out, because Halloween is just around the corner!

Just kidding, no, it’s not.